Tunnels forward in time.

Dear Zonk,

I miss things. I miss you and I miss how things used to be and I miss past-me. I miss being wispy and insignificant and somehow still buzzing with potential. I miss doors being wide open. I miss the person I no longer am and that I nevermore will be. I hate the feeling of trudging down this tunnel day after day after night.

I’m in Bangalore today. Listening to old songs and trying very hard to get my work done but I seem to be faring rather poorly.

Holler if you’re still around.

Love always,
K.

I am a tree.

Dear Zonk,

It’s been a while. Again. And yet, when things begin to feel bleak, here I always am.

My eyes hurt a bit tonight. My nose is all fucked up. My traps are going to be sore tomorrow and my feelings are a little bit sore tonight.

If a tree comes crashing down in a forest and nobody hears it fall — what even is the point of it all?

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the blueses bite.

Love always,
K.

…

Dear Zonk,

I should be working, but here I am.

Yesterday was both interesting and fuck-all. I should not carry bad moods over into a run, because it sucks. Running slowly felt like a chore last night and my legs were like cement. Even so. I stumbled around the park doggedly for half an hour and then walked and sat around and listened to some Radiohead before heading home.

Today feels kinda fuck-all too.

Oh well.

Love always,
K.

Cursory

Dear Zonk,

A lot has happened since my last update here, but we can catch up pretty quick. I recovered from dengue, did a bunch of renovation-related stuff for my mom, booked my trip (to Japan!), went to Delhi and had a lovely time, did a bunch of physical assessments (more later, maybe), and started running and exercising again.

There. You’re all caught up.

I came here to tell you about more pressing matters. But I’m tired tonight. My eyes feel breezy. And also, I must needs gather my thoughts.

And so, goodnight.

Love always,
K :)

Satiety

Dear Zonk,

It’s been a nice, slow few days here in Thane. I feel like I’ve mostly eaten my way through the past week. There really is nothing like good old Tamilian food. Rice with everything, all the time. And I truly believe nobody can make this stuff like my mom can.

I’ve realised, though, that my body handles food differently in my mom’s house. Back home, I feel my pulse spike instantly every time I have a carby meal. But over the past 3 days, I’ve done nothing but eat rice. Rice and raw mango curry. Rice and sambar. Rice and curd. And the occasional dosa, of course. My body seems to recognise this food, though. It flags it as comfort. My pulse stays at a comfortable 75-85bpm even after I’m done stuffing my face.

I do wish I wouldn’t eat so many chips, though. My mouth feels sore from all this salt. I feel grosser. Kinda bloated.

Oh well.

I’ve also been practising my Japanese every day. And a bit of guitar. I could continue to exist comfortably in this childhood limbo of mine for a long, long time. But I miss my little neko, and my plants and my C. And so, I’ll go home again tomorrow.

Tonight I plan to read, and look for some good headphones, and also have a beer. It’s been a while :)

Love always,
K :)

Songwriting weather

Dear Zonk,

I woke up super early this morning — to rain. In March. The world is ending, probably, but I’ll take a few unexpected mornings like these, thank you very much.

The lovely thing about waking up at 6:30 am is how the morning seems to stretch out before you for hours. The lovely thing about a suddenly rainy day is how within reach it makes my past self feel. It reminds me of early mornings long ago, getting ready — reluctantly — for school. And then of college. Of being young and full of potential. Of constantly creating. It all feels so recent. Like I could reach out and touch skinny little young Kitu. Like I could lend her the hard-won peace of mind of my older self and maybe borrow some of her creative urges in return.

Young Kitu was desperate for peace of mind. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind a bit of a swap.

Instead, I sat on my balcony and had my coffee and watched the rain with Kiki. I let all sorts of now-unnatural urges flit past me. Like the urge to paint a canvas, maybe. The urge to make a song.

And then, finally, I dusted off my guitar and played for a bit. An old song from my past self that always rears its head on a day like this.

It’s songwriting weather, after all.

Happy rain day, Zonk.
Love always,
K :)

Konnichiwa

Dear Zonk,

I went back to work today and got my last CBC. My platelets are well within the normal range now and except for some weird eye dryness and some slight fatigue, I think I’m okay. I’m supposed to wait 2 weeks before I start working out or running again, and that’s fine with me.

In 2 weeks, I start over. And I will take special care to run up hills and climb more stairs because — *drum roll* — we’re going to Japan! And there’s a lot of walking and climbing to do there.

C and I have been learning Japanese. He has, of course, spent a crazy number of hours on it already. I’ve been more normal about it, as I tend to be. Made notes, practised writing, and did a few lessons. The Japanese have three alphabets. Suffice it to say that I will not be fluent in the language any time before this trip.

And now, I sleep. I’m tired of feeling sleepy at 9pm. I wonder when that will stop being the scene.

Love always,
K :)

Don’t let the mosquitoes bite.

The fever’s mostly gone now. And turns out my ‘systems’ were not very helpful after all — because I have dengue, and apparently with dengue you need as much rest as you can get. So the whole maximising of activity in fever-free hours was kinda going in the wrong direction. Oh well. You live and you learn.

The good news is, so far things have been okay, I seem to be mostly on the mend, and I’m keeping myself busy with a very un-put-downable book.

The bad news is, I’m tired but not sleeping well. Maybe I’m not used to so little movement in a day. Maybe it is the lack of caffeine, which I’ve started to rectify. Either way, I’m restless and listless at night and I even threw a melatonin gummy at the situation yesterday. To not much effect.

I considered doing a longer list of good and bad things, but I think I’ll stop now. Things always get kinda sad around sundown when you aren’t doing much, and today’s no different.

It’s far from any of our bedtimes, Zonk. But…
Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the mosquitoes bite.

Love always,
K.

Fever fashion

Dear Zonk,

Today is day 3 of this stupid high fever. I’m told it must be viral, but honestly, who knows. And the not knowing is definitely somewhat anxiety-inducing. I’m doing a bunch of tests tomorrow. Hope they turn out okay and that it is, indeed, just a viral.

I don’t usually fall sick like this very often. Day 1 saw me tossing and turning in a damp bed, the sheets all twisted up. But by the middle of day 2, I’d had enough. I like feeling clean. I like a tidy bed. Unless I’m working out, I hate to sweat. And sweating away a fever is pretty gross.

And so, I started to work out better ways of fevering.

I have roughly 4 hours between bouts of fever, which last about 2 hours each. Not a good scene, I know. However. I maximise activity in these 4 hours. I take a coldish shower (if it’s morning), strip and remake the bed, wash and dry the napkin that we use as a wet compress. I also have a thick towel to put on my pillow while doing the wet compress thing. So I hang that up to dry, and for good measure, swap the pillow for a fresh one. And I sit instead of lying around. Less surface area touching the bed is good!

I would also go so far as to say I’ve developed a keen sense of fever fashion. Like if you were to look up “what to pack for fever”, I think this blog would be your best bet.

Fever Fashion: everything you need to know.

1. Dress in layers. Wear light clothes, but keep socks and a hoodie handy. When the temperature starts to rise, layer up! Once it starts to drop and you start to sweat, layer down.
2. Have 2 sets of clothes ready for the day. Long pajamas, and something lighter. Post-fever-bout, switch your long pajamas out for something like shorts and a tee. Hang the stuff you were wearing up to dry. Hoodie included. You’ll need it again when the fever starts to return and by then it won’t be as gross.
3. Wear clothes that fit. Even if you usually slouch around in t-shirts that are 3 sizes too large. Being frumpy only makes you feel sicker.
4. Tie/pin your hair back when the temperature starts to rise. You don’t want your wet compress to wet all your hair. Once the fever’s gone, unpin and comb, and voila! You’re good as new.

That’s all for today, Zonk. Hope I get better soon.
Love always,
K :)

Ugh.

Dear Zonk,
I’m sick. I was fine all morning and then weird in the afternoon and by evening, properly sick. There seems to be no reason for this fever or chills. That’s always a thing to worry about.

Anyway, this is me, checking in for the day.

Love always,
K :(