I drink like an Old Person now.

I’m beginning to drink like an Old Person. Or at least, an Older person. I discovered this yesterday, on my way home from my friend’s bachelorette. Well, not exactly on my way home, maybe. But I’m pretty positive that the realization must have dawned at some point around then, and I just didn’t notice until today on account of being shamelessly shitfaced. I believe that drinking always makes you wiser, temporarily. It’s a questionable kind of wisdom, I know. The kind that makes you decide it’s okay to wash your face in the toilet  or do 2 more shots and so on. But you know what I mean.

Note: Before I go on, I’d like to pause to tell you that I’m a terribly lightweight drinker. Always have been. And when I say things like “my capacity has improved” it still usually means I’m drinking really little.

I’m going to compare how I typically drink now to how I used to drink while I was in college to explain the Old Person Drunk theory.

When I Was Young

  • Drinking could happen any day of the week. Usually in the afternoon after college in shady bars full of other college students and jaded middle aged men.
  • Drinking was limited to the cheapest girl-friendly bars and the cheapest brands. Old Monk. DSP Black. Blue Riband Duet. This one really sweet and disgusting “wine” that we once bought for 150 bucks. Captain Morgan? What’s that?
  • The goal was usually to Get Drunk *hangs head* Because, you know, it’s fun. And conversations are different when you’re not all there. And YOLO. Ugh.
  • There was  no real game plan and no control. You go somewhere and start drinking and eat peanuts and nobody knows if you’ll leave with a buzz in 2 hours or be throwing up in somebody’s house the next morning. You don’t tell yourself “Two Drinks Only” before you start. You don’t feel guilty when you’re on drink #5. You don’t drink water after you’re done posioning your system with all that cheap liquor. Should you be drinking water? Why? Who says so? Why?
  • You throw up too often. There are too many gaps in your memories from all of the times that you were truly, disgustingly drunk. You spent too many Day Afters (the weird grammar is intentional) battling feelings of guilt and shame and self-loathing caused by alcohol induced stupidity.
  • You take a train home after everything is done. It’s hot and crowded and you have a second class pass sometimes and you feel sick and you’re worried you’ll throw up and then never be able to take this train again because then they will recognize you and you will be The Girl Who Threw Up and so on.
    But you will Take. A. Train.

Yesterday (and other recent episodes)

  • Drinking happens on Fridays and Saturdays. On special occasions, Sunday is also allowed. And Thursday if it’s an easy week or a particularly annoying week. But generally, you drink the day before a holiday. Bachelorettes can happen on Monday only if Tuesday happens to be a public holiday. Also, you always start drinking late evening or night. Because hell. You’ve got a job and stuff.
  • Drinking is an expensive affair involving expensive alcohol in fancy places. The bill yesterday was appalling. The bill is almost always appalling. But DSP Black? Ugh. I’ll have another Cosmo, please.
  • The goal is to Not Get Drunk. The goal is to drink just enough to loosen up and have some fun and be able to dance in public or sing loudly. And then no more. Just stop. Just figure out where that fine line between fun and fucked up lies and spend the whole night trying your hardest not to toe it.
  • There is Always A Plan. I always plan to stop at two drinks. Three drinks, max. Three identical drinks. No mixing, because if I wanted to live on the edge I’d have been jumping off a cliff with a parachute or something. (I don’t know if people actually do that. Do they?) I try to stay decently sober. I call for cabs in advance, or pack clothes to sleep over at somebody’s place. I try to remember to Drink A Ton Of Water. Once before I sleep and again every time I wake up.

    I don’t always do a good job of it. Yesterday we had 5 different types of alcohol and just too much of everything in general. That always gets messy. But because my goal was to Not Get Drunk I managed to function like a proper adult anyway. I helped out with the casualties. We remembered to carry a plastic bag with us. We got us all safely home. And then, at 3.30 am., after several hours of drinking (on an empty stomach, I forgot to plan for eating) I drank an entire bottle of water, went over all my belongings twice, washed out my lunch box because it’s gross to leave it overnight, and also apparently googled “preventing hangovers”.  Because there’s nothing worse than losing a day to hangover. Specially since you’re growing older and have fewer days  left, overall.

  • I did not throw up yesterday, miraculously. Or today. I didn’t even suffer much, except for some jittery-ness and a slight headache. So while goal #1 – to Not Get Drunk – was a total fail, I managed to meet goal #2 – to Not Get Hungover. And that’s quite commendable too.
  • Never. Take. A. Train. It’s stupid. Specially when you’ve been drinking. Bitch please.

So there you go. I drink like an Old Person now. I think the biggest change lies in the fact that these days, post-drinking regret hits immediately, and has nothing to do with the stupid things I’ve done while drinking. I don’t often do stupid things anymore. (I hope this doesn’t jinx anything.) The regret is there because why the hell would I want to drink so much, and because waking up will be a nightmare, and because my whole system feels polluted and my routine and nighttime rituals have all gone out of whack. These days, when the booze begins to wear off, I kick myself for being drunk and having ruined the whole next day for my stomach and my head and my nerves and my pulse when I could have been home, sitting in bed in clean pajamas, watching a sitcom or reading something and drinking camomile tea. And lights out before 12. And waking up feeling not-trashy and well balanced and my-body-is-a-temple-y.

Binge drinking has begun to feel like a chore sometimes.
Crap. I am old. But then I think I’ve always been a little old on the inside. Might as well embrace it.

Next time, I’ll even try to have dinner when I drink. And  a glass of water after every drink.

Love always,




Dear Zonk,

I’m tired of being in the whiny, brooding, unhappy mood I’ve been in the past several days. So instead, I am going to be angry and hardcore. In order to prepare for this I’ve worn black jeans, black t-shirt and mean black shoes today. And when someone lends me headphones, I’ll listen to some grunge.

Fuck yea!

*nods  in your direction*


And so it is.

Dear Zonk,

This is the fourth time I’m beginning to type this post and I’m sick of the Select All – Delete – Start Over pattern. So I’m going to just type now and let it be. Nothing good seems to come of all the backspacing anyway. Because in spite of many unpleasantries stewing in my head, I really don’t have much to say.

*not says*

Goodbye for now,

Art, Design, Featured

Life, the Universe and Everything

Dear Zonk,

I made a t-shirt design that’s up right now over here. If 20 people pledge money for it, it gets printed. Please go look. Buy it if you like it or if you care about Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, or Douglas Adams, or constellations, or whales, or me. Or Life, The Universe and Everything. And please, please, please definitely share it.

Here’s a picture of my t-shirt. If you click on it, it should take you to the site, where you’ll find a big red button that says ‘Buy This’ that you should totally click on. It’s a good button. And you get a t-shirt delivered right to your doorstep a few days after clicking on it. Everybody likes a new t-shirt. You want a new tshirt. You want this specific new tshirt.

Life, the Universe and Everything



A Feelgood Post, & Random Advice


HOLY SHIT. This is my 800th post on this blog!


Dear Zonk,

I have been somewhat sick and I got dizzy twice since yesterday. The doctor said that if these meds make me dizzy then I must be weak. Which is not the first time I’ve heard that. But, random dizziness notwithstanding, I would like to say that I am actually a little bit healthier than I used to be.

  1. A few months ago, getting dizzy would have led to a full blown panic attack. Which would have led to more dizzy. Which would have led to more scary. And so on and so forth for several weeks. This time round, I just ate ice cream and went to Hamley’s to buy my nephew’s birthday gift. (We got him a T-Rex excavation kit, if you want to know. And I also got myself a kaliedoscope.)
  2. I checked my weight and I’m finally at an almost publicly declarable weight.
  3. I eat an egg sandwich every morning. Which means I eat more protein now than I ever did before, and also more breakfast.
  4. I ate potatoes and carrots today, though I had to option to eat just potatoes. I also ate beans on purpose once last week. And I also told my mom that I’m going to eat more vegetables from now on.
  5. I eat fruit. Apples, bananas and watermelons. Sometimes instead of chips.
  6. I eat less chips overall.
  7. I am a happier person now than I used to be (some people will vouch for this) and this article makes me certain it’s because of how much shorter my commute is right now. I also do work out more and sleep more than I used to, plus my siblings are awesome. So I’ve got a lot of the stuff in the article covered. I also have many opinions on happiness lately, and I plan to tell you. But later.

So, yeah. I feel like I’m getting it together. I also actually started writing this post because thinking about my finances made me think I didn’t really have it together, but screw that. I changed my mind halfway through this post. Which turned out to be not about my finances or my room renovation plans at all. That’s weird. I guess sometimes the post controls the blogger.

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the Crazy bite.

Love always,

Random Advice: Stick glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceilings.