Worries and things to look forward to.

Dear Zonk,

This coming month, I’m going to be doing a trip to Europe. Part of it with friends, and part of it kinda alone. I’m going to Belgium. I’m going to be living in a tent. I’m going to be at a real live Radiohead concert. I might go four days without a shower.

All of this will be okay.
(Except for the Radiohead bit, which, of course, will be insane.)

What’s scary is the bit that comes after. The bit where I go to Paris alone. I’ll live with a friend there, but she’ll be working most of the time. And I think I’ll be alone a lot.

Alone in Paris. That’s sort of scary. But also sort of exciting. And I figure that if I can do this and enjoy it and come back home okay, I’ll have levelled up in life.

〰️

In order to prepare for the trip, I’ve decided to put all my other floundering half-assed projects entirely on hold, and work instead on me. I need to —

  • Work out thrice a week
  • Sleep a whole lot better
  • Eat more real food, and a lot less of the junk I’ve defaulted back to

Because it will not do to tire easily while walking in Werchter/Paris. It will not do to be constantly anxious while I’m there. It will not do to go back to panicking all the time. These days, the anxiety has begun to surface again. In little ways, thankfully. But it will not do to drift through the next few months living with this weird, nameless Dread. Or I’ll be back where I was a few years ago, and I just can’t go there right now.

〰️

This year is much too important, Zonk. Things are poised for change and I can’t wait for it all to happen.

I’m done with where I am. I’m itching to fast forward to what’s next. Part of the Dread comes from the waiting in-between. It worries me to have come so close and to have everything going fine. Because surely it can’t be this easy.

Surely there must be a catch :|

〰️

Some days I think too much about this all, and too fast, and things gets blurry and jittery and so on. But it doesn’t do to be like that. You can’t worry about earthquakes, if you know what I mean. (Maybe you don’t, but oh well.)

The point is that I know when my fears are irrational, and I can’t seem to help fearing them anyway. And so, for now, I need to tune the toxic mind stuff out and just —

  • Work out thrice a week
  • Sleep a whole lot better
  • Eat more real food

This is the most honest I’ve been with you in a while. No password-protecting it either. Living on the edge, I am.

B-|

Love always,
K.

 

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