I’m 25 now. 25 entire years old. And I think it’s time for me to sit down and take stock of things. And because it’s Saturday, and because I can’t seem to do any of the three other things I am supposed to be doing, I will make Lists Of Things To Help Take Stock Of Life.
Lists of Things.
List of things I have now that I didn’t have at 20.
- Some form of artistic ability.
- The ability to hold a violin correctly and make sounds that are not noise. (I really am losing hope of this ever progressing any further, seeing as I’m sort of afraid to even open my case and see what condition the violin is in.)
- Money. I still don’t have all that much of it, but it’s way more than what I had at 20.
- Design skills.
- Computer related ability. I’m probably the daftest person in my office tech-wise, but my 25 year old self is a fucking genius in this area in comparison to my 20 year old self.
- Regrets. Because, you know. I’m older now and should have done more with what I’d been given, etc.
- A million new anxieties. But also more ways of dealing with them.
List of things I lost along the way.
- Time. And there used to be so much of it.
- The ability to compose anything but the simplest of music. Musically, my technical ability has dropped dramatically over the past 5 years. My lyrical ability seems to have improved, but all of this is pointless considering I haven’t written one full song in almost a year.
- The ability to drink without worrying. Or party without worrying. Or stay up late. This is probably partly due to old age.
- Stamina. For doing things general. I’m always slightly tired these days. I suppose it’s all the working and the commuting and the stress of simply getting through each week. Sometimes I wish I’d become a librarian. Or a teacher of small children. Or a tester of hotel-room mattresses. Or a person who writes summaries for the back covers of books. Any sort of job that’s undemanding and forgiving and nice and leaves me time to do things for myself.
- Robustness. Okay, I was never robust, per se. But I fall sick a lot oftener now, and sometimes, in more scary ways.
- Vitamin D. Honest. But it’s back now, after a 6 week course of supplements. Woohoo!
List of things desperately need in order to be satisfied.
- Time. I cannot stress this enough. I need more time in my day. Working 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week, and commuting within the city for most of the rest of the time is the surest way to make yourself unhappy. My current quality of life sucks.
- More music in my life. I can’t feel actually, creatively productive unless I do this.
- A Plan. I’m not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life, but there’s got to be something more than this. This is okay. For now. But not for ever.
The bad news is –
I suck at making plans.
The good news is –
My office is moving to Ghatkopar, which is about a million times closer to home than Bandra is. Which means I won’t be on the road stuck behind a truck 4 hours a day every day of the week. Which means I will have a lot more time on my plate. Which means maybe, just maybe, I’ll get back into the zone where songs actually get written and music actually gets made. Which covers 2 out of the 3 things I currently claim I need in order to be happy.
Which means, Zonk, that while things aren’t really so great at the moment, they are likely to be looking up soon.
And I think that I can live with that :)
PS. You could probably have lived your whole life without knowing that, I know, but thank you anyway for listening.