The Anxious Person’s Guide To Life

Disclaimer: This is not a real guide to anything.

I am an anxious person. And this is the first time I’ve said it so plainly in a public post. I considered not saying it, of course; or saying it subtly or hiding it in a private post, but I feel adventurous today. And besides, most of you already know this about me. So, I figured, might as well.

Because you see, Zonk, seven years of always-worrying has endowed me with a kind of weird wisdom. And I think it’s time I shared some of those little gems with you. Who knows; this could come in handy someday, when you’re an anxious person and you feel like you’d like a list of do’s and don’ts to get you started.

The Anxious Person’s Guide To Life

  1. That ache in your jaw or your arm or chest – it’s actually just in your head. Especially if it happens only in your idle time.
  2. Same with the tingling in your hands and your feet.
  3. Pretending you’re brave will tide you over (for a while.)
  4. When the pretense starts to crumble, get help. Tell someone. Get out. Go home and go to sleep.
  5. Sleep.
  6. In the event of sleep evading you, scour the infinite passages of the internet. Find people to talk to. Read things. Read things that link out from those things. And so on and so forth until after 3 a.m.
  7. After 3 a.m., sleep. Because the worst of the night is over and none of the terrible things you’d thought would happen have happened.
  8. Be prepared for the apocalypse, every single time you leave your house. Water, check. SOS pill, check. Music, check. Book to write in, check. Book to read, check. Backup book to read if other book to read gets fully read, check. Sweatshirt for possible cold weather, check. Extra socks, check. Extra plastic bags, check. Extra clothes in rainy weather, check. You’re allowed to forget actual essentials like keys and money, once in a while.
  9. Hang out with people who make you feel safe.
  10. Sometimes, hang out with people who don’t make you feel safe. Just to make sure you don’t turn into a complete wuss.
  11. Drink when you’re happy, so you can feel awesome.
  12. Don’t drink when you’re scared.
  13. Don’t take a crowded train unless you have something to read or play with. Keep your head down and your hands busy and your music on.
  14. Don’t count your pulse.
  15. Don’t think about breathing.
  16. Breathe.
  17. Remember to not think of points #15 and #16 simultaneously.
  18. Remember to forget to think.

I hope this helps. If not, then I hope it at least entertains.
And now, I sleep.

Love always,


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