Dear Zonk,

When I played my Blue Frog gig last year, I was terrified. I didn’t sleep at all the night before and I didn’t eat the entire day because I threw up when I tried and I was too nervous to try again. And I had none of that free alcohol that I was entitled to because I was on medication that was supposed to calm me the fuck down but it clearly didn’t do a good job of it. And I thought that this is how it would always be, every time I played a gig. Panic attacks and pills and never a drink before or after..

But I just got done with a gig now that I didn’t think was very good and I drank a little before it and didn’t feel scared at all except for during the first song. I even sat cross-legged on my bar stool because it was uncomfortably high and I couldn’t reach the foot rest with my feet and I don’t like to have my guitar leaning away from me.

I would never have done that at that Blue Frog gig 1 year ago.

Maybe it’s just that these gigs are small and pretty much in my backyard and barely anybody comes to watch. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m just not that scared anymore.



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