I’ve spent all day working on something. And when I say all day, I really mean it.. I should be feeling satisfied I should be feeling full. But here’s the thing, Zonk. It doesn’t matter how much you do in a day if you don’t feel like you deserve to sleep at the end of it. Or read a book. Or just lie down and stare at the fan. Some days you realize that it doesn’t matter how hard you try to do everything on the List. Because more often than not, you’ll end up feeling like a worthless little shit anyway..
Tomorrow, I paint. All fucking day. Tomorrow I get done with the Giant Canvas. It’s been ages since I began and there is no reason to let it drag on into the rest of my days. I’m sick of it, Zonk. I’m sick of sitting home and I’m sick of feeling worthless and sick of juggling painting and graphics-learning and keeping the Blog alive. I’m sick of feeling brain dead and unintelligent. I don’t know how long it’s been since I last read a book that made me think. I don’t remember the last time I felt like I had money. It’s been too long and I’ve been trying to finish too many things..I’m tired of all these projects that never end. If only one of them would materialize..I don’t even need too much money..just enough to pay for my phone bill and my new ipod. Because I’m not going to let someone buy one for me this time. I’m twenty-fucking-one and I can afford to pay for my own music. Or else I don’t deserve it..
And the minute I get my next paycheck, Zonk, I book tickets to Delhi. Spoke to N after ages today and I’m definitely going to Del. Perhaps you’ve noticed how Bangalore never happened.. But Delhi will. I miss N. And I miss having a reason to hear music on a train.
I miss making music, too. I suppose there are things you aren’t allowed to juggle with a million others. But if I ever forget how to write a song..I suppose I’d deserve that too.
Goodnight, Zonk. Today was depressing but tomorrow will be okay..
I feel it in my bones.