Snake-Sprinter Shift Syndrome

Aaand it’s story time again. You know the drill, Zonk. Pajamas on and hop in under the covers. And for god’s sake leave Teddy alone till I’m gone. You’re too old for stuffed bears now so stop being a fairy. Now shut up and listen like I’m Oprah on crack.

(Just so you know, I really don’t know why Oprah’s all over my blog this week..)

So. I was sitting around last Sunday watching Animal Planet and playing sms-sms with my phone. I was being bored and nonchalant and phlegmatic and other such words that you never use on a daily basis. I was glued to all surfaces horizontally. I didn’t even move much. And when the doorbell rang I slithered off the bed and down the floor and up the door and coiled up around the doorknob and tugged. Such exertion.

It was my sister. My sister-who-lives-right-next-door-to-brand-new-gym. She stepped in. At which point several things happened to her simultaneously – the Universe flashed a picture of brand-new-gym before her mind’s eye, a flower fell upon her shoe, and I slithered around slowly by her feet.

It came to her like a flash of light, Zonk. Like an apple drawn to Newton. Like a tic tac hurtling from it’s box. Like a brainwave. And she snapped to attention and intoned – Family Membership Cheap Stop Must Run Marathon.
Now I’m not making this up, Zonk. She really did say it exactly like that, like a telegram from a black and white film. My sister’s really smart but brainwaves make her talk funny. Anyway. I heard that and I stopped slithering and got up and said Whaaat? She sat down. She explained. I shed my nonchalance and my phlegm and my way of slithering around things. I went to the fridge and poured myself a glass of cold milk. For it’s calcium content, you understand. I could never run a marathon without calcium content. Snakes can get by without superstrong bones but runners, oh no they can’t.

The marathon’s in July and that’s barely enough time to transform from snake to runner. But I try. I jog every day now, Zonk. A tiny bit but it’s a start. I’m also drinking milk every night and sleeping early and stuff. And I’ve been reading up about running online :P Ridiculous I know, considering I started jogging only 4 days ago but oh well. And I’ve found reasons why I should really try and do this seriously.

  1. Running releases endorphins or some other chemical shit that makes people feel happy. I am a gloomy person in general.
  2. Running is awesome cardio. It makes you sweat and makes your heart race. (And if you don’t eat or something, I suspect it will make you pass out.)In other words it’s like having a panic attack minus the scare. So if you get used to it on a general basis, there is no scare in proper panic either. Also, if you really run long enough, like for many years or so, your pulse rate goes down dramatically. Now I want that.
  3. Running is cool. You can wear cool shoes and loose tracks and get an ipod holder thing to strap onto your arm and feel fancy and uberfit. Eventually I’ll maybe muscle up and not be skinny and you’ll all seem like lesser mortals.
  4. Murakami runs. Now I got over my Murakami phase long ago, but he Is a pretty awesome writer. And he runs. And he’s written a memoir called ‘What I talk About When I talk About Running’ which I’m rereading now for inspiration and instruction. Lame that that is a source of instruction but really, he’s been running more than 20 years so he’ll know what he’s talking about. (Fyi, Murakami has a resting pulse of 50. That’s insane.)
  5. I still don’t know if the swimming pool’s opened up again. Also, swimming is expensive. It’s 20 bucks to the pool and 20 bucks back and I’m really poor. I’m actually too poor to be doing new age things like blogging about running. I’m so poor that I only go out when other people offer to buy me food.
  6. I have never seen the inside of a gym and I’ll get to if I run the marathon :)
  7. I was starting to look like this:

And that’s pretty serious.

Now I’m late as hell and need to leave and don’t have the time to finish this post up nicely. Serves me right for wasting time on silly drawings.

Bye bye Zonk ~

Ps: You do know I draw decently in real life.

Pps: Just so you know, I’ll never finish that marthon. It’s 21kms and I’m still part-snake.

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Author: Kirtana K

I paint and make music and blog like a maniac. These days I try to run. But I have chicken legs and lungs the size of two-rupee balloons. I fail. I like pajamas and striped socks and books that read like song and songs that sound like poetry and strangers who read this page. And Maggi when I'm sick or cold or sad or celebrating. They'll find noodles in my veins if ever they cut me open. And potatoes. And maybe a tiny bit of whiskey. I'll be an Unidentified Living Object and they'll put my insides on display. It will be crazy. It will be awesome. It will.

16 thoughts on “Snake-Sprinter Shift Syndrome”

  1. People run in thane? and what marathon is this in july. No one has ever heard of it. And i would love to see you gain some muscle! That would be a miracle :P

    1. I looked for the dream run, but this particular marathon doesn’t seem to have it. And there’s no way I’ll ever manage 21kms but still..one hopes.
      Besides my family’s fully forgotten about the gym membership. Looks like nobody’s going to run after all :| Still. I’ll ateast try to train enough to attempt it..

  2. You sometimes have a great sense of humour. I simply loved this blog of yours especially that painting and the way you have described Krups.

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