Vox Imports

Gtalk Diaries

Damn. I forgot to put in the hot dog vendor and the bat shit. Next time.
And now it is my turn to tell a tale to the Master Teller of Tales Himself 
Conversation with Nikhil Goveas

Nikhil: yes
  I'm here
  so now
10:53 PM are you ready with your story
  I've been waiting
 me: give me words
  or something
  i wil try
  but i dont have ur tremendous talent
 Nikhil: ok
  you flatter me too much
 me: i know
10:54 PM Nikhil: ok
  the words
10:55 PM midgets, bat shit, hot dog vendor, jack and jill, lesbian twist, barack Obama
 me: wow.
  ok i wil try
10:56 PM ok
  a few years ago i made a friend
  he was a boy from a village on the faraway outskirts
10:59 PM Nikhil: sorry
  I got dc
 me: ok
 Nikhil: copy paste na
 me: so
11:00 PM Nikhil: please
 me: a few years ago i made a friend
he was a boy from a village on the faraway outskirts
11:01 PM he tried his best to fit in. act like the city kids. he even threw away everything in his closet that was v-necked or knitted
  cos everyone in the city thought that was gay
 Nikhil: hahahah
 me: he woke up at the crack of dawn every morning
11:02 PM went swimming in a circular stone..
  that was dark and very deep
 Nikhil: K
 me: and sometimes frogs swam in it too
 Nikhil: where is the funnies?
 me: his name was Paras.
 Nikhil: where is the randomness
11:03 PM Paras seems thoda funny
 me: so one day paras wakes up at the crak of dawn as always
  but when he tries to get out of his bed,
  he cant seem to move much
  so at first he thinks its a dream
 Nikhil: the boogie monster?
 me: lik a bad one
11:04 PM and when he wakes up hel be abl to get up and about again
  so he goes back to sleep but then he realized that he went back to sleep
  which means he wasnt asleep to begin with which means he was awake wich means it wasnt a dream
  now paras knew all about paralysis and stuff
11:05 PM ie it is a sudden form of heightened polio
  except instead of having one shrunk and limpy limb u have a lot of normal looking limp limbs
  and paras,
11:06 PM being very concerned about how he looked
  (he was a virgin you see, and he had never had a girl look at his you know whats even)
11:07 PM checked to see if his arms were still functional cos then atlest hed be able to put vicco turmeric on his milk white face
 Nikhil: hahaha
 me: this was before the days of fair and handsome mind you
  in any case
 Nikhil: nahi ayurvedic
  nahi cosmetic
  yeh hai vicco turmeric cream or something like that
11:08 PM me: paras is a traditional guy who believes that men should be men and metrosexuals are homo and fairness creams are for women only
  so what if he occasionally used vicco turmeric.
  (vicco turmeric is not cosmetic you see, only ayurvedic, or so says the jingle)
  so anyway
11:09 PM he tried to move his arms and was very relieved to find out that he could
 Nikhil: stick to the points woman
 me: in order to celebrate his relief he decided to jack it quickly
  o like you ever stick to the point
 Nikhil: hahahah
11:10 PM me: so he decided to jack it
 Nikhil: your cracking jokes about masturbation
  that's a first
 me: its the crack of dawn anyway and nobody else is about
  so he starts
  but then he realizes that hes not really sure what hes holding in his hand cos of the paralysis and all
  and besides
11:11 PM it wasnt as much fun if he couldnt feel it
 Nikhil: damn
  he hasn't heard of the stranger?
 me: ok
  i dont kno abt him, but i have, thanks to you
11:12 PM Nikhil: hahahaha
 me: and since that involves not being able to feel ur Hand, and not not being able to feel ur dick
 Nikhil: you're welcome
 me: its really not the same thing
  this wouldbe like giving someone else a hand job
 Nikhil: yea
 me: and paras may use vicco turmeric but hes a very straight dude
  moving on.
11:13 PM he wonders what to do,
  andthinks that maybe if he jus rests a bit hel be fine
  cos all the travel and the burden of being a villag boy in a big city actually stresses him out quite a bit.
11:14 PM cut to new scene.
  in yeoor hills, faraway
 Nikhil: ahahahahah
  this is like a karan johar movie
 me: theres a couple climbing up a small forest trail.
 Nikhil: drastic scenery change
 me: its not like a karan johar movie,
11:15 PM its like a nursery rhyme we all learned when we were children
  except some kids in paras' village.
 Nikhil: hahaha
 me: who skipped nursery and went straight to 1 2 3 and stuff
 Nikhil: aah
11:16 PM me: a couple is climbing up a trail and skipping a little
  cos they arent from here and they are really just children
11:17 PM and most children from the western half of the world grow up believing that one must always skip when going up a green slope
 Nikhil: aaah
  my eastern world edication
 me: thanks to all te things they are taught to watch when they are kids and also thanks to julie andrews
11:18 PM Nikhil: damn that colourful singing bitch
 me: so these two kids are skipping a little
  they aren't singing though
11:19 PM cos they were used as subjects in a very controversial experiment that tried to prove the hypothesis that damaging your vocal chords makes you smarter
  it failed
  so now the kids were not only unable to sing
 Nikhil: damn this twisted story
11:20 PM from paras using vicco
 me: they also Still believed that they were supposed to be singing in reality
 Nikhil: to this conspiracy theory
 me: shut up and be a good audience.
 Nikhil: you're kida are going to be trully fucked up
  that's why they're going to come to me for drugs
  and as usual I'll oblige them
 me: urs are going to be the epitome of normalcy im sure
 Nikhil: hahaha
  go on
  yes they will
 me: but im going to continue now thank you.
 Nikhil: go on
 me: so
11:21 PM they are skipping up the path,
  when suddenly a pail of water falls out of the sky and hits the boy on his head
  he starts crying
11:22 PM Nikhil: damn
 me: mainly cos he hates taking a head bath cos of all the shampoo always getting in his eyes
 Nikhil: did he break his crown?
 me: and the water on his head reminds him of that
  he dint
  but the girl,
11:23 PM since she knew all aboutthe nursery rhyme and also happened to have a crown on her (shed jus come froma fancy dress wer she was a fairy queen)
  quickly broke it and threw it at the boy and then lay down and started rolling down the hill
  sorry path
  so they reached the bottom and keep rolling
  cos they are all into it now no other reason
11:24 PM Nikhil: hahahaa
 me: whn they land at the feet of a tall black man and suddenly theres a lot of terrible singing happening
11:25 PM turns out the tall black man was from a lovely place called america and he had come to india to do social work so hed look cool when he ran fo rpresiden
  *for president
  back in his own country
 Nikhil: aah
  that bastard
11:26 PM me: he was supposed to go to a village in rajasthan called jhiri, but turns out a guy called nikhil got that spot
 Nikhil: bastard
 me: he figured hed atleast have running water and leopolds where all the firangs always hang out
 Nikhil: nikhil saala
  that stupid commie
 me: if he stayed in mumbai
 Nikhil: at leo's
 me: so he did a smart thing,
11:27 PM Nikhil: he's also have bullets
  and grenades randonly
 me: and stayed in what he told people was a 'small town on the outskirts on the city'
  ie thane
11:28 PM and barack, for that was what the young black man called himself ever since he realized that people in the us of a looked at him funny if they heard his name was 'mubarakh'
  taught little orphans nursery rhymes every day in a little school in yeoor hills
11:29 PM so tht was why all the singing happened.
 Nikhil: aah
  that explains so muxh
 me: when the newly-enlightened kids saw the boy and the girl (whose names incidentally were julie and andrew)
  and the pail and the crown
  they started singing jack and jill
11:30 PM Nikhil: aah
11:31 PM me: now heres the thing. the kids were TERRIBLE at singing jack and jill. mainly cos they din know all the words yet, but also cos some of them were jus slow and thought it was time to sing whatever they wanted
  and there was a lot of bursting into marathi song and shit
11:32 PM now barack picked up julie and andrew
  and asked them 'sup dawg'
  u see he WAS a black guy
  he couldn help the way he talked
  it would take a little while of chilling in thane for That to wear off
11:33 PM at which point both children opend their mouths wide.
  Really wide.
  so first barack was like wtf.
11:34 PM but then he recognized them as slightly older versions of the 2 young children hed once experimented upon in his wilder days.
  you see he was sposed to be a scientist initially
 Nikhil: ok
 me: but that fell thru when his phd thesis failed cos of dumb hypothesis
 Nikhil: hahahahah
11:35 PM me: so now he started getting antsy
  cos wot if the kids told the other indian kids who told their parents who told the media who broadcasted it everywhere and it reached the usofa
11:36 PM hed never become president at this rate
  so he quickly took out a blingy gun
  was about to shoot them, and then stopped
  realizzed that 1-these kids cant TELL anyone anything and 2-the other kids have no parents
11:37 PM Nikhil: aah
 me: so he fired it into the air and the bullet felled a branch that struck the ground that was wet from all the water in the pail
  it fell upright
11:38 PM like a little treeling
  and it was all very dramatic
  (fine karan johar is somewhere behind the scenes after all)
  and the orphans all went AH!!! and the two kids closed their mouths
  and barack
  being a man of style
11:39 PM flipped the gun back into his waistcoat,
 Nikhil: damn cool
 me: spun a pair of glares and snapped em onto his face rajni style
  and spat into the earth by the branch
11:40 PM hed been eating pizza and an olive that was stck in his teeth fell out with the spit
  he saw it
  and in order to not ruin the moment he stamped on it with great style repeatedly
  (by now the orphans are a lil like wtf are you ding man types)
  till it got buried.
11:41 PM anyhow.
  barack finished teaching the kids for the day and left thane for a party his friends had planned in a farmhouse in a village called virar
11:42 PM which is how he met paras
 Nikhil: aah
 me: who was still quite immobile
  but still certail that the problem was strictly psychological and very temporary
  and anway atleast he was fair and handsome still
11:43 PM Nikhil: yes
 me: but paras was sposed to go for a party
  at his frnds farmhouse
  so he used his ands wich were still functional
  to call the dude up and say how bout we have the party here cos im somewhat paralysed
  the friends cool with it
11:44 PM so they all, barack included, go up to paras' house
  tell his parents they are here to study
  and go up to his room
  where the friend gets a slight shock
11:45 PM cos his moms already in paras' room giving him a 'massage'
  and paras is fully red in the face and blushing and stuttering and stuff
  by this time the boys have started drinking
11:46 PM and paras refuses to drink from the same glass as barack until he agrees to use generous amounts of vicco turmeric on his chocolate coloured skin

11:47 PM when suddenly as a result of karan johar tinkering with this stroy and also wanting to be all cool and sci fi cos he really likes stanley kubrick
  the friends mother
  whos quite a hot woman
  infact they all call her the Hot Neighbour
11:48 PM undergoes a sudden process of binary fission and turns into two hot women who immediately start making out
  by now even karan johar is confused
  cos hes all into sanskriti and sanskar and all plus hed much rather see men doing it
 Nikhil: damn
  lesbain twist
11:49 PM now what I expected
  but still
 me: but paras feels a familiar stirring in his nether regions
  and yes
  all of a sudden hes fine again
 Nikhil: ewwww
  so he see's his mom making out
 me: he decided to make a film of whats happening
 Nikhil: and get's turned on
 me: NO DUDE
 Nikhil: K that's fucking sick
 me: he sees his neighbours mom
11:50 PM who was giving him a "massage"
  how do u NOT get the reference?
  paras' hot neighbour?
 Nikhil: yes
  I fucking get it
 me: finally.
  so its not his own mother
  its 2 of someone elses mother
11:51 PM he gets damn kicked aboutt he whole scene and says theres miacles all over the place
  and wants to catch something of the sort on film
  so he steals a camera from a frnd of his called boyd
  and starts making films
11:52 PM now hes gotten close to the ever-so-slightly fairer barack
  and goes to meet him at the school sometimes in yeoor

  and one day an olive tree starts growing out of nowhere
  and they are all wondering how it came to be there
11:53 PM when the children and barack remeber the branch and pizza incident
  paras films the tree growing and shit
  makes a documentary
  calls barack a miracle
  years later
 Nikhil: damn
  it's a miracle
 me: after obama became president of the us of a
  someone gave him a nobel peace prize
  for apparently no reason.
11:54 PM but paras knows better.
 Nikhil: yes for no fucking reason
 me: the end.
  nono, they gave him cos of the olive branch miracle
 Nikhil: hahahahahahhahahaha
 me: only they didnt publicize it cos barack sed he wanted to be a political leader not the next jesus
 Nikhil: damn crazy ending
11:55 PM crazy enging
 me: :D
  i am glad you enjoyed it

Read and post comments | Send to a friend


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s