The Zombie and the paraplegic stuntman

Now listen up people, I'll only say this once. I am cooler than you are. Cos I got a head massage, a beat performance, and a whole hour of terrible pictionary, all in Just One Day. Indeed. But there is no need to sulk. You know all about my Heart which is in The Right Place and my Sweet Disposition, so of course I am here to help you. My Tip For The Day: if you have a big guy in the family, make him oil your hair for you. 

But that's enough about me. I'm only here to post another once of Nikhil's Awesomely Awesome stories. I am too sleepy to edit it and if you have problems with that then go make your own blog and your own story telling friends, I don't give a fuck about educating you through mine. Now stop distracting me from the painful task of pasting a convo here and changing the font colour to blue ugh.
Gmail convo with Nikhil Goveas:

Nikhil: well
11:32 PM that will be nice
  ok
  fine then
  entertain me
11:33 PM a little bit
  tell me a story that invloves zombies, paralysed people, drug addicts, fast food conglomerates and cake
  in that order
  come on
  or xkcd
  till you've had ebough
11:34 PM me: ok
  ok
  but i dono,,
  this is ur forte isnt it
  your the teller of the tales im merely the copy paster on blogs
11:35 PM Nikhil: hahaha
  ok
  fine I'll try
  but it won't be that good
  so
  once upon a time
  there was a zombie called Raghu
  Raghu was your average Zombue
  you know he liked his brains
  scaring children
  the usual shit
  but once stary night
11:36 PM Raghu wondered
  what if there's more to my life than just brains?
  call it a mid-zombie life crisis
 me: heheheh
  this seems promising
11:37 PM nikhil?
  go on!
11:40 PM Nikhil: who lost control of his limbs after appaearing in an ill-fated Rajnikanth action movie in which he played the inglorious role of a stunt double who tries to unsuccessfully rape the hero's virgin fat, hairy, thunder thighs included 30 year sister, who's still unmarried because the family can't afford the dowry
11:41 PM and one crushing blow by the action superstar Rajnikanth has left poor Kevin as a paraplegic
  so Kevin and Raghu
  have a moment
 me: WAIT
WAIT
  WAIT
  whos kevin?
  i din get anyhting after mid-l;ife crisis
  til rajnikanth bit
11:42 PM Nikhil: a monet so special
  the paraplegic stunt man
 me: NIKHIL
  focus
  a bit of ur story i dint get
  !
11:43 PM Nikhil: in case you were interested
  damn read it again
  the other part is the movie script
  sorry
  and also a mirro to teh poor condition of dowry in Indian society
  so Raghu meets Kevin in the blue berry fleid
 me: DUDE
 Nikhil: and they isntantly have a moment
 me: u got dc or somehting
  copy paste na
 Nikhil: you go DC
  not me
11:44 PM me: :|
11:45 PM Nikhil: ok
  fine
  wait
  recao
  recap
  Raghu meets the paraplegic kevin the blue berry field
  and they share a moment
  they both realsie that they're misunderstood people
  and kevin tells him about his dabbling in drugs
  and how he uses them as a crutch
  and this saddens Raghu
11:46 PM me: (i know all about the blueberry field!sigh ok continue nevertheless)
 Nikhil: because Zombies are sincere Catholics who dissaprove of Drugs and pre marital sex but are surprisingly cool with killing people and eating their brains
 me: hahahah
 Nikhil: so the two new friends decide to go share lunch
  so Raghu carries KEvin
11:47 PM becasue kevin can't use his legs
  and head to the nearest Subway
  SUbway teh place with teh coolest sandwiches and salads
  product placement
 me: hhahaha
 Nikhil: so over their extermely nutritious meal
11:48 PM their bond grows
  stronger
  and Raghu wonders
  damn
  here's a human
  I've met
  my heart tells me he can be my friend
  but my Zombue instincts tell me taht I can kill this denfenceless man and easily eat his brains
11:49 PM yuummmmmyyyy brains!!!
  so
  Raghu is going thorugh a crisis of faith
  and in this bleak moment
11:50 PM deiced to call up the 1-800 Jesus's best friends- hotline
  but he goes straight to the answering machine
  cause Jesus's is too hungover after that mad ass party last night
  so Raghu
  in his moment of Weakness
11:51 PM takes Kevin to teh back of teh resterauny
 me: o no
  o no
  RAGHU YOU PERVERT
 Nikhil: yes
  but suddenly
  suddenly
11:52 PM Mori the Whori
  steps out from beoynd the dumpster
  and makes Raghu a tempting offer
  20 for one
  30 for two
  Raghu looks as Kevin
  who surpsingly being paraylsed below the waist
  seems to start feeling thing
  *things
11:53 PM so they both take up Mori the WHori on her offer
 me: hahah
 Nikhil: and after their business deal is done
  Raghu kills her
11:54 PM mewaits
 Nikhil: and eats her brains
  Rahgu fulfills his Zombie needs
  and kevin
11:55 PM well he's jsut happy that shit works
 me: i have a question.
 Nikhil: so they decide to have some cake for dessert
  but at the cake store
 me: I HAVE A QUESTION
 Nikhil: yes
  yes
11:56 PM me: ok
  so is Raghu married?
 Nikhil: no ?
 me: what about catholicism and pre marital sex disapproval?
  how did he do more the whori?
  *mori
11:57 PM Nikhil: see pre marital sex is not cool with Zombies
  but with humans it's cool
  and he did mori doggie style
  his favourite
 me: ah okay
  continue
 Nikhil: haan so at the cake store
  Raghu wants the lemon cheese cake
11:58 PM and KEvin tke chocolate pudding
  suddenly
  Rahgu's phone rings
  it's his mom
  oh fuck
  the blue berries!
11:59 PM me: ;D
 Nikhil: my parents are going to open a an of whoop ass on me
  *can
  but wait
  he has an alibi
  his new friend Kevin
  so Raghu takes Kevin home
  and well
12:00 AM me: NOOOO
 Nikhil: that RAghu's highly inebriated uncle
 me: blueberries brains..pajama pyjama right?
  to the zombies?
 Nikhil: Shyamaldas
  decides to have a running race with Kevin
12:01 AM and well on one knows that Kevin is the same paraplegic marathon runner froma previous joke of mine
 me: hahahhahaahha
 Nikhil: and he beats uncle Shyamaldas
 me: hahahahhaha
12:02 AM hurry up!
12:03 AM its bedtime almost
  ur kids wil NEVER sleep at this rate
 Nikhil: this infurates Chaammo Rani
  Shyamaldas's wife
  and well she hits kevin on teh head
  giving him this electric shock adn making him realsie that he can feel his legs
12:04 AM at this point Raghu
  highly embaressed with teh behaviour of his family
  decides to make a run for it with Kevin adn shfit to Vancouver
  and get married
  because there same sex marriagesa re legal
12:05 AM now Raghu runs a successful laundry business
 me: your stories are always so realistically detailed.
12:06 AM Nikhil: and Kevin is a house wife who takes care of Sambo, Rambo and their pet raccon
  the end
  thank you
 

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Author: Kirtana K

I paint and make music and blog like a maniac. These days I try to run. But I have chicken legs and lungs the size of two-rupee balloons. I fail. I like pajamas and striped socks and books that read like song and songs that sound like poetry and strangers who read this page. And Maggi when I'm sick or cold or sad or celebrating. They'll find noodles in my veins if ever they cut me open. And potatoes. And maybe a tiny bit of whiskey. I'll be an Unidentified Living Object and they'll put my insides on display. It will be crazy. It will be awesome. It will.

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