Epiphany

I've had a plain okay day. Nothing good or bad about it. Woke up at almost noon and felt guilty (today being Diwali and what not), sat around, watched Desperate Housewives, hung up garlands, went to somebody's house and had sweets and stuff, got home and started watching a movie and turned it off so people can sleep in this room..Its not that there is nothing to do. I have work piled up and a paper to submit that I have no idea what to do about. Its not even that I feel bad about taking days off like this. I think its okay. I don't have bills to pay or anything, and when I do work I work my ass off..Its just that I think sometimes, when you take time off, you're forced to think, and you end up with a huge sense of dissatisfaction and a giant fucking question mark. And that, I've finally figured, is why joblessness leads to depression. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gloomy today. All I'm saying is I think I have the answer to why doing nothing leads to gloom. (Not always of course. A lot of things can bum you out. Like loneliness, or brokeness, or flunking {not me muhahahah}, or dying.) What I'm saying is, nobody wants to feel like a waste of space. And yes, I know I don't take up too much space (I'll have to throw you off this page if you're gonna crack obvious ones like that) and I know I'm helping a lot of people by getting them to throw away their money on pretty painted shoes, so hold it and let me finish. (Ignore the cynicism in that line, I have no issues at all with making money out of painting shoes. I don't give a fuck about the masses not being able to afford a pair cos you see, I am the masses.) Point being, in spite of being a reasonably productive, creative, busy human being; I sometimes feel like there is something I'm not doing and I need to find out what. Fuck that, I need to find out about a lot of stuff. Like where I'm headed. Or the capital of Kazakhastan. 
But I think you know what I mean. We've all sensed it I'm sure, the gnawing feeling that we could be so much more. It kills me, this wondering what I'm doing. Sometimes I wish the real world was more like..college. You don't have to bother about getting rich or going solo (not that I'll ever go solo in the sense of move out and live alone, I'd be too afraid to go to sleep in an empty house at night I suck) or Making The Right Choices. Its okay to study a wholly unhelpful-in-the-long-run subject. And as long as you're smart or good for Something at least, you'll be fine. But college comes with safety nets. That is why doing nothing at all felt like leisure then, when the same thing scares you now. There's things we don't think about till we are outside of that system. Some of us at least..there are loads of people who are incredibly clear about where they want to be five years from now. But some of us have no clue about that at all. And all we can say when they ask us that question is..it better be someplace that deserves to have us in it. Because no matter how good or bad things end up, God knows we're worth so much more. 
And the point, as ever, is lost in the blabber. I think I talk too much.
So that is that. Happy Diwali, My Favourite Person For Right Now And Till It Takes You To Finish Reading This Post. Its a nice festival after all beyond midnight, when the stupid fucking cracker-bursting kids have gone to sleep and all the lanterns are on. Though of course there will always be the tasteless idiots who carefully arrange blinking fairy lights to form the word 'Om'. Really now guys. Get a grip. Or an Interior Designer who also does Almost Exteriors.
Good night and see you when I see you,
Your's.  

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Author: Kirtana K

I paint and make music and blog like a maniac. These days I try to run. But I have chicken legs and lungs the size of two-rupee balloons. I fail. I like pajamas and striped socks and books that read like song and songs that sound like poetry and strangers who read this page. And Maggi when I'm sick or cold or sad or celebrating. They'll find noodles in my veins if ever they cut me open. And potatoes. And maybe a tiny bit of whiskey. I'll be an Unidentified Living Object and they'll put my insides on display. It will be crazy. It will be awesome. It will.

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