Vox Imports

Workshops.Ink: session 2

So back to Disaster Management.
Now that you all are pros when it comes to dealing with the Passed-out Puker, time to move on to the other worthless victims of Too Much Drinking.

The Apologetic Drinker: Revelation, sweet Ignorant. Pukers come in more than one type. While I could go on to tell you about the difference between Caucasian and Negroid Pukers and dwarf and giant Pukers, I'll pass and move straight to the point: Pukers vary in degree of consciousness. The presence of Puke doesn't automatically imply the dead-body-type behaviour of the Perpetrator. Which simply means that its not necessary for you average Puker to be passed out. Now, cleaning up around an immobile piece of shit may be disgusting and all, but when you've got to choose between that and a constant sorry-sounding slur between regular relapses of Puke… well. The situation, dear Reader, calls for tact and a certain amount of delicacy that I'm afraid not all of us possess. Here's what you must do to the Apologetic Puker: tie It's shoelaces together. (In case of absence of shoelaces, first lace It's shoes, and then tie It's shoelaces together. In case of absence of shoes, tie It's feet together randomly with lace. It, being apologetic, is not likely to complain.) Now whip out your tenth grade trigonometry textbook and do a few basic calculations so as to ascertain the precise point on the floor the Perpetrator's head would be on if It happened to hit the floor. Now place a pillow on the spot. Now walk away from the Perpetrator while It is in the middle of It's thirty-second apology with a deliberately cold expression. Stand at a suitable distance (such that It can see your expression clearly) and look PISSED OFF. It, being in a vulnerable state-of-mind, will move reflexively towards you and will, as a consequence of alcohol consumption and clever shoelace inter-connection, keel right over and pass out. Mission accomplished; you are now free to get on with the rest of your life.
Of course, the technique has its little flaws.. The Perpetrator of the Puke and the Apology might just miss the pillow and break It's head. But that would be your fault for having concieved of a party without having brushed up on your trigonometry first. Problem number two arises when the pillow is a tad too soft, and the Perpetrator springs right back up and continues apologising. But that's the best advice I can give you, and you're free to admire my wisdom or fuck off, whichever.

And now goodnight.


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