I've been soul-searching, and I've realized that maybe its time to resurrect the funside of my blog. I'm no whiner in real life you know…only in cyberspace.
And so it is time I give you all a little lecture on How To Handle A Disaster Drunkard.
Firstly, I will take a headcount of all the various types of Disaster Drunkards I have come across in my short and bewildering life. (Please note, I will exclude myself from this list. I'm not that much of a disaster anymore. And if any of you have heard any me-stories, well, shame on you for believing in rumours.)
- The Passed-out Puker.
- The Apologetic-Puker.
- The Burner Of Beds.
- The Horny Bewda.
- The Loving Emo.
- The Self-pitying Emo.
- The Spiller of Beans.
- The Needer Of Mothering.
Secondly, I will tell you about all the possible Disasters these Drunks can cause, and will also instruct you on How To Deal With Them.
The Passed-out Puker, as the name suggests, would have puked before he passed out. (There is always the possibility that the name refers to the various other Drunks who miss the comode and end up puking on a passed out person, but that is not part of this course). Which implies the Presence of a body of Puke that should, ideally, be cleaned before it has to be scraped off the floor along with the Perpetrator of the Puke (and sometimes, along with the remains of the innocent victims of Puke Related Injuries which include the breaking of bones due to a fall suffered due to slipping on, or swooning in response to ghastly smell of, puke).
How To Deal With The Puke: There are several ways of dealing with the Puke, the applications of which depend on the position and location of the Puke Perpetrator (and also on the Repulsiveness of the Puke). If the Perpetrator happens to pass out on top of the Puke, the smart thing to do would be to leave It (The Perpetrator) on top of it and cheer while It unsticks Its face off the floor the next morning. This may seem like a Not Nice Thing To Do, but its easily justifiable (as a demonstration of a negative consequence of too much drinking in order to discourage the Perpetrator and Other Possible Disaster Drunkards from too much drinking) and is therefore the best thing to do in such a situation.
If you happen to be dating the Perpetrator or happen to want to date the Perpetrator, however, the only thing for you to do would be to stick a coffee bean up your nose and clean up for the Perpetrator. Failure to do so may cause the break-up of a relationship or the eternal absence of one. There is, of course, an easier and more appealing option- pretend to pass out yourself in a comfortable place at a safe distance from the Puke. Sounds easy, but doing this means that the party's over for you. Plus you have to lie stiff and unmoving till everyone else passes out, and then there is the probability of some other Puke turning up in the vicinity.
If the Puke occurs in a private party-type situation, well, then do whatever the fuck you want with it. If it happens in a public bar-type place and brings with it the ire of many pissed-off waiters and extra cleaning charges, then you must quickly consume all the remaining alcohol on the table for Two Reasons. One: drink it, cos you're gonna be paying for it anyway. Two: self-preservation. Alcohol reduces your inhibitions and therefore prevents you from being too embarassed. Also, it helps you overstep Puke without flinching too much. Following the Quick Consumption of the alcohol, you must make arrangements to lug the now immobile Perpetrator out and into a cab. Which is why you must never drink in the absence of an acquaintance capable of manual labour and is also why fat people should never be given too much alcohol.
Then there's the Golden Rule which holds true in EVERY situation: the more disgusting the puke, the lesser your obligation to clean it.
There's other disasters I must teach you to deal with, but I have a life too you know, and now I must go see if there's any way I'll pass my papers this term. Seems unlikely, but there's always the prospect of Sudden Brilliance..some academic Eureka-type moment. Sigh.
For further instruction on this matter please refer to my blog at a later date.