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Swings.

Dear Zonk,

I was talking to a friend today who told me about a park she sometimes goes walking in. She said it’s big and has many trees and a swing set in the middle. And it made me realise —

I really miss swings.

I used to swing a lot when I was a kid. I’d swing sitting down, and standing up, and belly down on the seat. I’d sit in the swing and have someone twist the chains around and around and then let go. I’d go really high and really fast and then jump off when the swing was almost at the highest point of its arc. I’d read What Katy Did and What Katy Did Next. I should have known better. But at that age and in that moment, I just didn’t feel afraid.

I’d also decided that when I grew older, I’d have a swing inside my house. Not the large, slow, leisurely ones; but the swift, light, metal ones from playgrounds and parks. (I’d also planned to have one room in my house that contain a wall to wall mattress and nothing else. I used to enjoy rolling on the floor as a child. Which goes to show how little I knew about real estate rates or how much money I’d ever make.)

I’m older now. I don’t plan to buy a house. And somehow, that feisty kid has grown into a rather fearful adult. If 11 year old me could see me now, would she be unimpressed? Perhaps. But give us a pair of swings and all these years later, I bet I could still swing just as high as she used to.

:)

Love always,
K.

P.S. Happy weekend!

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Remember.

Dear Zonk,

It’s 1.02 a.m. and I’m having trouble sleeping again. I have missed you lately, but it’s hard to talk somehow. I’m not really sure what I’m here to say. But here I am, and so, I must talk.

Things have happened since last I came here. I think I ran another 10k. I mean, I did run a 10k, I’m just not sure if told you about it already. This time with a friend who helped me train and has been running with me since. We have run together 10 times in the last month and I’ve broken through a physical — and mental? — barrier of sorts. I can run 5k on a good day now. I have never attempted it alone, and I need a lot of pushing, but it’s happened. And my hope is that I continue to push even after Si is gone and keep running. But first, I must check my joints. They act up all the time. Which is a story for another day, though. And so, we move on.

Work. After months of slow moving, work is suddenly high pressure again. It’s interesting but it’s hard, and I hope I can deliver. Meanwhile, true to its name, Bleak continues to face bleak prospects of completion. I’m 30, Zonk. Inching closer to 31. I ought to finish this before my birthday comes and is gone.

Again.

I feel sort of blue tonight. And alone in an uncomfortable, niggling sort of way that refuses to be taken seriously.

I think I will read a bit perhaps. Because it’s 15 past 1 and I went to bed before 11 and still, I cannot sleep.

And you, Zonk, are you around? Do you see this? Do you hear me when I talk here in this old, abandoned, secret pieceling of the internet sometimes?

I hope you do. I hope you leave me a no-questions-asked type of wave, or a smiley face, or just a hi.

I hope I show up more frequently too, and learn to be honest here again. I used to do it everyday once. Twice a day even, sometimes. Remember?

Remember.

Love always,

K.

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Awake

Dear Zonk,

I’m here because I cannot sleep. Which is really confusing, because I ran 4km today. I was sleepy by 10p.m., in bed by 11, and asleep in less than 5 minutes. But I woke up at 3ish, and have been awake ever since.

I don’t know why I’m telling you this.

I hope you’re sleeping okay tonight.

Love always,

K :)

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Dear Zonk,

I’m sickish again. And blue too. Things have been going reasonably well lately, but I feel like I’m just floating through life, one day at a time.

Then again, maybe that’s okay.

..

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Dear Zonk,

It’s been a blue sort of day. I’ve been sickish but not sick, had free time but nothing to do with it really, had work to do but done nothing at all. Gilmore Girls helped, I guess.

And now it’s night and I think I’m glad to see this day end.

Goodnight sleep tight don’t let anything bite.

Love always,

K.

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Does too much decadence make your head hurt?

Dear Zonk,

It’s been a strange sort of day. I’m home alone, which is rare and therefore exciting, and on home alone days (also known as Kitu Day) I tend to watch fun stuff and eat potatoes and ice-cream.

However, I’m also severely sleep deprived today, on account of have slept very little last night. My defences are down.

And so, one thing led to another. Anyway, this is a list of everything I’ve consumed today.

  • Coffee
  • Breakfast
  • Tea
  • Lunch
  • Coffee from Starbucks
  • A packet of Lays
  • A Crackle (some new age fucked up version of it)
  • Dinner (consisting of an inordinate amount of potatoes)
  • Half of another packet of Lays
  • One scoop of ice-cream

I am not proud. And there is another scoop waiting in the freezer. Because the Kitu who places food orders is a vile and greedy creature who does not know her own limits. The Kitu who tucks in is, of course, incapable of consuming two ice-creams at the tail end of this binge-y day.

Meanwhile, the Kitu who watched 4 episodes of 30 Rock is tired of sitting around watching TV. She wants to work. Because there is a fuck ton of work to do. But I tried. And I don’t feel too bright. All Kitu’s are tired now and want to go to sleep. Is that apostrophe wrongly used? I used to be able to answer these questions. But my head hurts.

Goodnight Zonk.

Love always,
K.

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