Sadness.

Dear Zonk,

It’s a heavy sort of night. And I’m trying to elaborate but I can’t. I’m sleepy right now, and my words are running into walls. Things feel murky and invincible and I’m starting to feel small.

Goodnight.

Love always,
K.

The Life Project – Phase Nevermind

Dear Zonk,

I was going to put this into the post I just published, about one minute ago; but it was really too random to put these two things together into one post. Even for me. And so, post #2 happened. In the same day. After about 5 years I think. Hallelujah!

Anyway, I’ll get to the point. Because it’s almost time to eat now and soon it will be time to sleep.

There’s been too much to do lately. Too many things to work on, too many people to meet, too many plans, too many late nights after work, too much multi-tasking and waay too much window-switching. And all of this switching around makes me nervous. And at some point in the night two weeks ago, when I was playing my guitar and also checking my phone and talking to people on Hangouts, I realised that I was no longer able to sit still. I had to keep tapping my foot or typing or something. Which is pathetic.

My ability to do things well is inversely proportionate to the number of things I have to do. Also, my ability to keep calm is inversely proportionate to the number of things I think about at one time.

A long, long time ago, I could spend 6 hours at a stretch practicing my guitar. Right now, I struggle to stay focused for half an hour, even. (Unless I’m having a very good time playing something.) My attention span is dismal. And it didn’t used to be.
And so, a while ago, I made a small rule. No phone (or screens) after 11pm. By 11, my day needs to be done, and I need to be in bed, reading. I’m allowed to read on my Kobo, because books. And also because my Kobo doesn’t glow in my face or ever hurt my eyes. I don’t believe it can be bad for sleep. (I love you, Kobo.) I also made a big rule. 20 minute violin practice sessions everyday. (Which did not happen. But it will. I want to work up to it.)

And this week, I realised that waking up at the same time as I already do, reaching work earlier than I used to, leaving at the same time (or later) than I used to, and coming home and passing out immediately is entirely pointless.

And so, I’m going to conduct a little experiment this week. I plan to turn back my clock by half an hour. Sleep half an hour earlier every night and wake up half an hour earlier every morning. If it works out, I should be able to get more out of my mornings again.

But this means no late nights. All week. Starting today.

*fingers crossed*

Love always,
K.

The House Project – Phase II

Dear Zonk,

I got a lot of terrible work done yesterday and spent today recuperating from it and feeling sort of mournful about having to do waaaay more over the next few weeks.

You see, I like renovating rooms in my house. I like spending hours buried in Apartment Therapy and finding references and imagining paint colours and looking at lamps. I like how a new room feels after a massive makeover and decluttler operation. But I wish it would just get there by itself. Because making it all happen sucks. And I’m terrible at most of the planning and running around that goes with it.

But yesterday, I got shit done. I got a quote from Asian Paints, spoke to my regular person-who-does-this-shit about window work and AC fitting (giant pain) and wiring (surprisingly simple this time!) I even spoke to the flooring guy about getting PVC false wood flooring. The kind that makes a room photogenic and instantly more high maintenance (which is why I’ll probably stick with my ugly mosaic floor, thank you very much.)

And it all made me feel very grown-up and together. But the problem is sustaining the grown-up-ness over the next 2 – 3 weeks. Especially when there’s a ton of work to do at work as well.

I’m not built for this. I’m built for sitting in a corner and reading a book.
But a person must do what a person must do. And I’m going to try and focus on how amazing it’ll feel to get through all of this and finally reach the buying-of-lamps stage of the renovation.

And next time, when I plan the kitchen, I swear to god I’ll just hire a contractor to do all the managing and worrying for me.

Love always,
K.

Rats and filler posts.

Dear Zonk,

I came here to put up an Important Post. But it’s late and I’m tired and I cannot finish that one tonight. But, since I’m already here, I’ll tell you just One Random Thing.

We have a rat problem in the office right now and I just found out that they’ve set a rat trap under my desk. I wonder what I’ll find when I go in to work tomorrow. I wonder if we’ll catch one rat or many. I wonder if they’ll be dead when I walk in. Or worse, if they’ll be alive and squealing.

I think I’ll wear closed shoes to work tomorrow. Even if it rains.

And you could have lived your whole life not knowing that.

Oh well. Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the dark blue bite.

Love always,
K.

Just things.

Dear Zonk,

I did not record last weekend. Not because I didn’t plan to or didn’t want to, but because we needed some equipment that was out of stock. I did dig up my violin though, from its sad, cold grave. I tuned it as best I could (which really isn’t good enough at all, given that half the keys are stuck and I don’t have the muscle to turn them at all) and went over the things that I used to be able to play and jammed with myself a little.

Saturday night, I sounded terrible. On Sunday, though, I was fine. And again, for the four thousandth time, I thought about how, if I’d only practiced 20 minutes every day for the past three years, I could have been playing at least somewhat by now.

I think it’s time I tried this again.

I also think it’s pretty amazing how enthusiastic I always am about these plans even though they mostly fail. Just saying.

In any case, I plan to give this whole regular practice thing another shot.

In other news, work is getting into that stressful space where there’s fuckloads to do with no end in sight. Not stressful stressful, mind you. Just the constant low whine of worry born of to-do lists that never end. Oh well.

Things are good right now. Things are fine. But I better make sure they stay that way. I’m beginning to breathe wrong again these days sometimes and I have trouble sitting still. That’s never a good thing.

But all I need is some discipline. Eat every few hours, break every forty minutes, focus on one thing at a time and sleep a lot each night. I blame the internet for my recent restlessness. I’m afraid I’m turning into the kind of person who keeps a million windows open and switches from one to another all the time. I have more to tell you about this, and about my need to be more disciplined, but later.

For now, just know that I try. I’m sitting in a chair at my desk and typing this post up just to prove that I’m trying. I hate chairs. I’m not built for chairs. And it’s not like the bed isn’t right here behind me. It’s not like I can’t lie down and continue to post this with this laptop balanced on my knees. But I won’t. Because, please note, I try.

And now, Zonk, I’ll crash. I slept only 3 hours last night and I’m a zombie right now. I’m actually pretty impressed with how well I’ve managed today on no-sleep. I must have made some typos here, though. Oh well. I’m sure you’ll understand.

Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the Monday bite.

Love always,
K.

Things

I plan to record seriously with C. Once a week, every week. For as long as it takes to end up with a sort of EP of 5 songs. (This is a secret.)

I’m going to start redoing my Living Room. It’s been on my mind for months now and it’s time I start making it happen.

I’m considering joining violin classes again for a bit.

I’m also considering joining Yoga classes.

I can’t do both violin and yoga, of course. That’s extravagant and over-ambitious and one of them will have to go.

I am a curious mixture of lethargic and productive right now. Today has been neither here nor there. Tomorrow I  plan to do all the things I plan to do and there is a 50% chance that I will fail.

Come to think of it, there’s always that 50% chance. But there’s also the other 50%. Who knows which way the die will fall.

Oh well.

Goodnight, Zonk.

Love always,
K.

The Birthday Series – Part I (or Rahul’s list of things to do)

Dear Zonk,

For the duration of this post, you are not Zonk. Zonk is Rahul, BFF in the Male Category, who found this blog on Vox a long time ago and christened himself Zonk and left a message on this post. That was 6 years ago, and we’re best friends now, on account of Rahul is one of the most spontaneous, interesting people I know. And also probably the most Alive. Which only goes to show that the Internet is a wonderful place where strangers turn into real people, and people become friends sometimes.

I started writing this post because Rahul made a List Of Things To Do On His Birthday and I think it’s an excellent list that you should maybe read. (Ps. I helped make it.) But then I figured that it would be nice to do a series of posts dedicated to the people closest to me over the next one year. The Birthday Series. This post is the first of them.

Rahul’s List of Things To Do Today

  1. Spray paint graffiti
  2. Smoke from a Vaporiser
  3. Have special coffee
  4. Put up a blog post
  5. Launch a Chinese Lantern
  6. Talk to a new girl
  7. Dance
  8. Make a song. Even if it’s only 4 lines.
  9. Run a kilometre.
  10. Make one person very happy somehow.
  11. Give yourself a gift, and also your mom. (Like Charlie, from Perks)
  12. Find a new blog worth reading regularly.
  13. Give everyone present at your party a compliment. Separate compliment for each person.
  14. If there’s an open mic night somewhere, play. If not, perform at the party anyway.
  15. Feel the rain.
  16. Watch the sunset.
  17. Take a selfie with everyone there.
  18. Touch the sea.
  19. Give 3 strangers a hug.
  20. Write emails to those you’d want to meet but can’t.
  21. Get a new Look for a day and also do something cool with facial hair (if it currently exists.)
  22. Wear headgear you’ve never worn before for the evening.
  23. Hitch hike at least 1km.
  24. Either get a drink or 50rs.
  25. Find an old album you love and listen to it straight through.
  26. Make a new friend.
  27. Go to Thane!

Happy Birthday, Zonk :) I hope you kill this list today. (But honestly, how?!)

Love always,
K.

Ps. I might make a list of things to do for my birthday this year, too. I think it’s a nice idea. A whole other sort of wishlist.