I’m working on a Bleak post after ages now. Not because I ought to, but because I want to. Because, after months of nothing, I’m finally itching to. I’d forgotten how it feels: the impatient bubbling up of things that want to get out and be made.
This one is weird. I’m not sure where it will go. What started with simply not wanting to be Hufflepuff has turned into some sort of epiphany.
I hope this one gets done.
I found my iPod today. After three years. I charged it and checked it out properly and synced it up with iTunes again. And guess what, it works. After all this time.
Gave me the feels, it did.
I’d planned to tell you more about this but I haven’t slept much last night and I have a cold and a fever tonight and a small part of my face is red and slightly swollen and burning. So yeah.
Nice balanced post, this. Some stuff that sucks, some stuff that doesn’t.
I think I’ll go sleep now.
Tonight I helped my nephew with his homework. We found pictures of things that start with a ‘muh’ sound and stuck them in a scrapbook. We pasted in a pictures of Mama, Miki, a mushroom, a mirror, and *drumroll* an actual live 1 rupee coin. I also drew a mango and a milk bottle and got him to colour it in. Miki learned two new words today. ‘Mushroom’ and ‘Mirror’. And as for me – honestly – it was one of the most rewarding things I did all day.
I made a ton of resolutions this year. I’ve kept almost none so far, but that’s a story for another day. The point of today’s post is, I’m finally working on keeping one. And it’s a big one. A scary one.
I’m going to play at an open mic night, before this month is over. Rahul found a few options, and we’ve picked a day that we’re both going todo this.
I spent a lot of today practicing one of the songs I plan to play. It’s a hard song to play and an even harder song to sing. And while I enjoy playing and singing it, I haven’t heard what it sounds like to other people yet. So, you know, there’s a chance that I’ll drop it and pick up something simpler instead. I’ll figure soon, after I practice some more and record it and play it back to myself.
That’s my cover.
For my original, I’m picking a song that’s safe and easy. It’s hard to fuck up, easy to listen to, and also easy to sing. It’s not my best, but my two best songs are both too difficult to do live, and also almost impossible to play well without backup. Especially when you’re prone to turning into a bundle of nerves every time someone points a mic at you.
It sucks to be afraid of things. Especially the things you really want to do.
But oh well. We’ll see how it plays out.
It’s been a depressing sort of week. 4 days of being sick and 3 days of dragging my rebelling brain and body to work and today, a day of working from home. And diarrhoea. Again. Not to mention a host of real and imagined aches and pains.
It’s back, you know. My faithful yearly spell of looking back and looking down and failing to look ahead. I’m beginning to suspect, though, that once a year is way too less. I’m losing it, Zonk. I’m losing the urgency and the Great Discontent. And every way I look at it, I have only myself to blame.
I have of course, made plans. To drag myself out of this bleak mess and make something out of it all. To make anything at all. But then again, as I’ve proved to both myself and you: Planning is easy. Doing is not. And I have a flair for failing at that.
I will be dead someday, Zonk. And you will remember me as The Girl Who Planned To Try.
I did do the other half of the scary thing. And though I still feel sick tonight, I also feel light.
I did half a brave thing today. And I’ll do the other half later. I hope it all goes well.
Ordinary is underrated. If I could have one wish come true, I’d wish for an Ordinary life.
I feel ill. Sort of. And I have a feeling this weekend will be another waste.