Stream of randomness

Dear Zonk,

This weather makes me feel sleepy all the time. And also slightly sick some of the time. I make plans every morning for evening and night but spend every evening and every night lying around and reading. I’ve gone through too many books this month and now I’m reading something that’s pretty shit.

I slept at 10 yesterday. I finally feel properly awake now.

I am a lazy bum.

Life is easier now that most of my hair is gone. I also feel more hardcore. I’m closer to being YoloKitu, I think. I might just leave home without a bottle of water tomorrow and not be fazed at all. Drastic haircuts are awesome. You should try it sometime. Especially when its fifty fucking degrees outside.

Fuck you, Summer. Go away. And as for you, Jeans, you’re banned. 

The catch – I’m more hardcore on the outside but Life has stayed the same. None of my plans are on the verge of working out yet and I’m beginning to lose faith.

My Old Monk T-shirt will finally be out on Redwolf next month. 

I seem to be going through each week faster now. This is a good thing when you think of how much closer the weekends feel.

But it’s a sad thing when you think in terms of life being a finite set of weeks. What if this week is the last week of your life and you spend most if it lying spreadeagled on the floor watching sitcoms and eating chips?

Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad.

..

And so it is.

Failed resolutions and other such things.

So I’ve been failing steadily on all of my New Year Resolutions. I’m not exercising much. I’m not eating better. All my attempts at being productive were abandoned when the part time thing worked out. Put on hold, rather. Which means I’ve spent every weekend in the last two months lying around because I’ll be doing shit anyway from April. And then from May. And now it’s May and I’m stretching the full time once again, for a month (I think).

But this can no longer be a reason to not do things. And so, this is the last weekend I spend reading two books in a row. I’ll go back to my one book a month ration now. Really.

Also, in general, in life, don’t read a book about the holocaust right after reading a tragic love story involving a quadriplegic. It’s just not a good plan.

Love always,
K.

PS. The tone of this post came out all wrong. I’m actually in quite a nice mood today. Really. In spite of having just finished a book about the holocaust.

Oh well. I guess it forces some solemnity into your voice anyway.

Fire. Again.

Dear Zonk,

There was a small fire in my house today. While I was on my way back from work. And I know I’ve raised many almost-fire alarms here before, but this one was real, flames and everything, and an actual danger, and I’m pretty shaken about it.

My maid heard some sounds coming from the bell unit, and she called my mom, and then the unit burst into flame and fell down and continued to burn on the floor. My mom put off the mains with a stick (mains are situated directly above the fire, next to the bell box) and got my maid and the kids to get out of the house and wait there while she ran down to get an electrician from the hardware store. She didn’t put water on it, because electricity. Though it would have been okay once the box was on the floor and not still on the wall. When the guy came home it was still burning. He put it out and installed a new bell and told us not to worry and left. When I came home, things still smelled of smoke.

This is scary for so many fucking reasons.

  1. The place where the bell is – we hang our clothes out to dry right below there. There were clothes drying on the line there today. They didn’t catch fire. But if we’d hung a bedsheet or a sari up today, things would have been way worse.
  2. If this had happened at night we’d have probably not discovered it in time.
  3. If this had happened yesterday, while the maid was on leave and my mom was watching TV in the hall, we might not have found out in time.
  4. There’s always kids running around my house..

Last week the geyser made a sizzling sound while I was in the shower and a bit of black smoke came out of the top of it. I put it off and didn’t panic, because this has happened before. 

That’s not normal, Zonk. That’s scary. And the electrician promised us the geyser thing is not dangerous and the bell is the only thing that can catch fire in our house. Every thing else will just short circuit. But it’s all very scary anyway, and I’m buying an extinguisher next month and making fire alarms and being constantly vigilant around all fucking wires and devices in my house. I’M WATCHING YOU, LAPTOP. And I really hope I sleep fine and don’t dream of fire because the last time there was a false alarm of the fire kind, I didn’t sleep well for weeks after.

I’m just glad my mom is great in crisis situations. Must be all those years of working in hospitals. In her place, I would simply freeze.

I suck. Fire sucks. Sigh.

A List of Things

Dear Zonk,

I’m still shying away from Deciding because today was a sad sort of day. Also, I refuse to be productive. Instead I’m making A List Of Things To Do With The Remainder Of My Day.

A List Of Things To Do With The Remainder Of My Day. 

  • Lurk around on Goodreads (with no pressure to something to read right away)
  • Lurk around on Apartment Therapy and bookmark things forthe next phase of The Renovation Project
  • Do some of the aforementioned lurking around while having green tea after dinner and feeling like a person that has her shit together

This is a good plan. Only, I may not have the time to lurk on two places tonight. Oh well. I’ll try.

Love always,
K.

-________-

Dear Zonk,

I hate making decisions. I particularly hate making decisions when I’ve already made a decision and it’s in constant danger of being derailed by Unforeseen Circumstances. Fuck you, Unforeseen Circumstances. You suck and you’ll never have any friends if you keep dicking around like this.

It’s been over two weeks now since More Changes happened, and I’ve been struggling to make my choice and stick with it. It’s hard to do, though, because no matter what I pick, I’ll be left with equal parts relief and regret.

Oh well. This is Sunday. I’m going to ignore this problem until tomorrow and then maybe I’ll toss a coin and fuck the consequences.

In other news, my Whatsapp won’t give me notifications any more and I can’t seem to fix it.

Changes – Part II (where I finally made things happen)

Edit: You should read Part I of this post first [in case you haven’t already.]

—–

So, once I told everyone that things would change by March, I went into full stress mode. Now that I’d told actual people about this I had to actually make something happen or accept that I’m a piece of shit and forever be The Girl Who Couldn’t. So I started to think of what I’d like to do with most of my time for the rest of my life. I spoke to people doing different things in different fields – psychologists and writers, other kinds of designers. I even tried to network. Ugh. And I slowly started to realize that I don’t want to do any one thing forever.

Here’s the problem, Zonk: I don’t have a calling. I never did. I’m interested in a lot of things and I care a lot about doing every one of them and that’s a sticky situation. If I got myself another design job (I figured I do want to stick with design afterall), I’d still not find the time to do justice to anything else. My problem was not the job itself, but the fact that it sucked up all my time and energy and left nothing over for anything else. I considered going freelance, so I’d have more time to myself, but I’ve done freelance before and it turned me into a crazy person. I’m older now, and wiser, but still. Freelance is not for me, at least not yet.

And so I figured I’d try to go part time. I spoke to Kunal, who has aced the art of bending time to suit his own needs:  he’s a copy writer and entrepreneur and piano student rolled into one. I spoke to more people and got some offers and felt relieved because it was not yet March but things were happening and this was at least possible. But I also really did not want to leave. And so I spoke to the people at the office again and asked if they’d want me to come in 3 days a week instead of 5 and, because the Universe was being so magnanimous already, they said okay.

I was supposed to be working three days a week, this month onward. But stuff happened and I postponed it by a month. The month is halfway through now. In May I’ll start with my three day arrangement: Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays only. Wednesday, Friday and Saturday are for learning to record, making music, painting, blogging, making t-shirt designs, random projects once in a while if they feel worth it, and so on.

——

I read this post recently and realized that I am an Impostinator. While I’ve been busy and working hard all these years, I’ve just been procrastinating on doing the things that are truly important. Because I’m fucking chicken. It takes balls to admit you care about something and work hard at it and put it out there. It takes balls to try to change things when they aren’t exactly broken. It’s easy to drift around in a haze of discontent, or to tell myself that I’d do this if only I had the time.

But what if I could have more time? What if these excuses exist only because I do nothing to get rid of them? One size does not fit all, and I’ve known for a while now that I don’t want a standard career progression. I don’t want to be Creative Director of anything. I don’t want to have a team of people under me and tell them what to do. I’d suck at that. I just want to do my work. And I want my work to tell a truer story of who I really am. I am no one thing. I am a little bit of many things and that’s alright. I am a designer. But I’m also a blogger and a songwriter and a painter and none of this needs to amount to anything. But it does need to exist. I do need to have something to show for all the things I care to do, and if time is what it takes, then well. I should be a whole lot happier now.

And that is how this ends. Or begins. Who knows how these things go. Hopefully, I’ll have more to report in a few months’ time. Thank you for listening, Zonk. You’re awesome. We should meet and drink someday, and I will listen too.

Love always,
K.

Changes – Part I (Where I got sick of the story line)

Dear Zonk,

I’ve been making vague posts about Changes for a while now, and I think the time has come to tell you everything. It’s kind of a long story, but you’ve trudged through so many of those here by now that I think you’ll maybe stick around for this one too. Because, you see, this is a big deal for me.

So, here goes.

I’ve never made any real decisions in life. I’ve just sort of drifted into this point in time and space by accident.
I spent most of my teens believing I’d grow up and be some sort of writer. And then one day I happened to paint a pair of shoes. My friend Frank liked those shoes, and he happened to make me a Facebook page and people happened to place orders. So I painted more shoes. And then, when I got sick of the smell of canvas and rubber, I started painting other things. The whole painting thing took on a life of its own and it took me to some really random places. Which I liked, mind you. I didn’t know I could paint till I was 20, and I didn’t know just how much I’d come to love it until much later, when I started painting small canvases. It never made me much money, of course, and I knew that at some point I’d have to get a real job doing real things.

At which point, C suggested I learn Photoshop. He pointed out that if I can do art I can probably do design and I thought – wow, this is so much cooler than MS Paint. So he taught me some basic Photoshop, and I learned more and started doing some freelance design work and then that took on a life of its own. I got a shit agency job that set my career back by thousands, hated it, stuck it out and quit it 6 months later to join Webly. That was almost three years ago, and Webly’s been on a roller coaster ride of its own since then. And I rode along and evolved in a very peculiar and unplanned direction: from Graphic Design to Web Design to eCommerce to UI/UX.

If you’d met me three years ago, you’d never have predicted I’d specialize in UI/UX Design someday. I wouldn’t have predicted I’d specialize in UI/UX design someday. Or that I’d actually be good at it. But I did, and I am, and honestly, I enjoy it.

Only I’m not a UI Designer at heart. At least, I’m not only a UI Designer. Or even a designer at all. And I’ve been unhappy for a while now because at some point, I turned 25. And when you’re a quarter of a century old you begin to feel less invincible. Things begin to feel more transient and you realize that time and youth are running out and if you don’t like where you’re heading you need to start rerouting now. Old age will happen to you someday. And then, when you’re 40, and you look back at things and ask what you’ve done with Life and all the lemons it threw at you…well. I don’t want to say that I took those lemons and built some good UI.

Don’t get me wrong. UI Design is great. It’s challenging and fun and it takes time to get good at it. But you see, Zonk, I used to do a lot of things. I used to paint and make music and blog like a maniac. (A cookie to you if you get the reference.) I still do all of those things, but only barely. I last painted in October. I have only 2 posts on Bleak Person Chronicles. I’ve been playing more music lately but these spikes happen in fits and bursts and I’ve found that I can’t sustain it.

And so, I panicked. And I told myself that by December, I will Make Some Changes and then proceeded to do absolutely nothing. And then December rolled around and I panicked again and told myself that by March, I will Make Some Changes. And to make sure I did that, I let the people at work know that Changes were on the charts and I’d be doing something differently by the time March ended and I might even leave. Nobody knew what the fuck to make of that, of course, because I really didn’t have a clear idea of anything to begin with. I only had a whole lot of discontent and a sense of tragic waste and a vague need to do something about it.

And now, because this post is getting way too long, I’ll break it off here and go into the actual changing bit in part II.