My second trip of firsts.

Dear Zonk,

We haven’t been in touch. So you probably don’t know that I’m going to Belgium tonight. To Rock Werchter. Which is a music festival with the most amazing line up ever. Then I go chill in Brussels for three days with a bunch of people, and then head to Paris. Alone. 

I should have done a real post about this before. But because I didn’t, here’s a list to make up for it. 

My second trip of firsts.

This trip will be the first time I –

  • Leave the country with almost 70% of my friends
  • Go to Europe
  • Live in a tent for 4 days
  • Travel alone to someplace outside the country
  • Explore a new city alone
  • Do the above in a non-English speaking place
  • Take an international flight alone

I’m hoping no horrible firsts get added to that list. I really don’t want to get robbed on this trip. Or worse. 

But. This is way more than I thought I’d ever do by myself. Past Kitu would be proud.

You should be proud, too. 

Love always,

K.

Worries and things to look forward to.

Dear Zonk,

This coming month, I’m going to be doing a trip to Europe. Part of it with friends, and part of it kinda alone. I’m going to Belgium. I’m going to be living in a tent. I’m going to be at a real live Radiohead concert. I might go four days without a shower.

All of this will be okay.
(Except for the Radiohead bit, which, of course, will be insane.)

What’s scary is the bit that comes after. The bit where I go to Paris alone. I’ll live with a friend there, but she’ll be working most of the time. And I think I’ll be alone a lot.

Alone in Paris. That’s sort of scary. But also sort of exciting. And I figure that if I can do this and enjoy it and come back home okay, I’ll have levelled up in life.

〰️

In order to prepare for the trip, I’ve decided to put all my other floundering half-assed projects entirely on hold, and work instead on me. I need to —

  • Work out thrice a week
  • Sleep a whole lot better
  • Eat more real food, and a lot less of the junk I’ve defaulted back to

Because it will not do to tire easily while walking in Werchter/Paris. It will not do to be constantly anxious while I’m there. It will not do to go back to panicking all the time. These days, the anxiety has begun to surface again. In little ways, thankfully. But it will not do to drift through the next few months living with this weird, nameless Dread. Or I’ll be back where I was a few years ago, and I just can’t go there right now.

〰️

This year is much too important, Zonk. Things are poised for change and I can’t wait for it all to happen.

I’m done with where I am. I’m itching to fast forward to what’s next. Part of the Dread comes from the waiting in-between. It worries me to have come so close and to have everything going fine. Because surely it can’t be this easy.

Surely there must be a catch :|

〰️

Some days I think too much about this all, and too fast, and things gets blurry and jittery and so on. But it doesn’t do to be like that. You can’t worry about earthquakes, if you know what I mean. (Maybe you don’t, but oh well.)

The point is that I know when my fears are irrational, and I can’t seem to help fearing them anyway. And so, for now, I need to tune the toxic mind stuff out and just —

  • Work out thrice a week
  • Sleep a whole lot better
  • Eat more real food

This is the most honest I’ve been with you in a while. No password-protecting it either. Living on the edge, I am.

B-|

Love always,
K.

 

Seasons

Dear Zonk,

I have a theory about friends and life and major life events.

Things happen in seasons. When you have a bunch of people you’re really close to, the graphs of your lives start to sync up. If someone in your circle starts out on a new relationship, chances are that someone else will be starting one too. That’s Hookup Season. A much more common phenomenon — sadly — is Breakup season. If one couple breaks up, brace yourselves and squint up your eyes. Someone else is gonna be going down soon. At least, that’s what I’ve seen in my own circles.

I’ve always believed this to be true about such things. But lately, a newer, fainter pattern has begun to emerge. I’ve begun to notice that it’s not just life events that happen in seasons — entire moods come in seasons too. We tend to be happy together, and sad together, and anxious together, and fuck-this-shit-I-quit together. Or maybe it’s only true this one time, and will never occur with such simultaneity again. But this is where we’re at right now. Right now our season is Blue. 

Not a bittersweet, translucent blue, either. This one’s a heavy, stormy swirl of inky blackish-blue. The kind that drops down your throat and lodges itself in your gut and stains you from the inside out and makes it hard to get out of bed in the mornings.

You know.

I wish we could skip this part, Zonk. I wish we could fast forward too where we’re done dealing with whatever it is that’s sapping the strength out of us. I wish we could go to bed tonight and wake up in a timeline where everything’s all figured out and sorted and we’re the happiest versions of ourselves that we could be. But we can’t. I guess we just need to wait it out. A happier season will roll around soon.

But for now, I’m sorry all this shit is happening, Zonk. To you, you, you, you and you. That’s one ‘you’ for each one of you that’s dealing with more than they can handle tonight. And me, I’ll be the 6th ‘you’.

Oh well.  We’ll be okay soon.

I feel it in my bones.

*hug*

Love always,
K.

 

.

Dear Zonk, 

Today has been the most horrible day that’s struck us in a while.  

I hope that you’re healthy and moderately wealthy and passably happy right now. And if you are, then I hope that you’re grateful for it. 

Life is fleeting. 
Fuck. 

Love always,

K.